You know how women become baby bores when they get pregnant, well this is happening to me, but with my fat and my insecurities.
It’s all I talk about and I know it drives people mad especially my partner, bless him. I literally bore the hell out of him, but I can’t stop going on about it, does this look okay? Have I gained any weight? Why do I weigh more today after exercise? Do I look bigger to you? Yes I ask these and a 1000 more questions Like this all day. Boring, I know, I know, but it’s become a habit now. I panic if my jeans feel tighter or if the scale goes up slightly, I’m terrified of being fat again. I’m scared of undoing all my hard work. That chocolate birthday cake I had last night will play on my mind all night and all day. How do I change this mind set. I think it takes time.
When I look in the mirror I see a very different person to the person my future hubby sees. I instantly see every flaw, every bit of saggy skin, every pimple, every stretch mark whilst he doesn’t even notice these things unless I point them out, how can we both be looking at the same girl but see her in a completely different light?
Although I appear confident on the outside, inside I’m still that fat girl who wants to eat her emotions and anger. That fat girl that pretended she was happy being bigger, that fat girl who pretended those mean girls fat comments didn’t hurt me.
This is me. The real me, and I am scared of losing control. I haven’t fully accepted that I am no longer a bigger girl. My body has changed but mind still has to catch up and it takes a hell of a lot longer than the physical changes.
You always see and read on weight loss blogs how they did it but never the affect it had on them mentally, how they coped with such a big change to their physical appearance. I think it’s important to stay true to myself and always be honest how I feel on this journey, how can I inspire others without being truly honest about my feelings and downfalls, no one is perfect and it’s not about being better than anyone else or feeling superior because I eat better, the only reason I’m here to do this blog is to keep myself accountable and to show others it can be done naturally but behind it all is still a vulnerable girl, weight loss doesn’t equal instant confidence. It takes time. I will never be fully 100% happy with my body, but who is these days.
Each day I will try to love myself a little more.
Thank you for stopping by today.